Hello to my harmonious readers. As of late, my life feels a little stagnant. Like I’m a cockatoo perched on a fence waiting for something to happen. Much like the vultures in the Jungle Book. I’m bored with the same repetition and consistency. I forget which day I’m on. Yet, at the same time, the week flies by. It feels like my days lack variances and blur into one continuous loop. I think I’m on Monday, and the next thing I know, it’s Friday, and I still haven’t gotten all my jobs done. I long for more out of my time, but I feel stuck in a rut, and I’m uncertain how to change my habits. I wish that my days were more exciting, wild, unplanned, and memorable.
I’m a late bloomer. I’m 22, but my life feels unchanged from when I was 15. I have yet to obtain my full driver’s license. I have been stuck on my L’s for the past 4 years because I haven’t completed the necessary driving hours. I left high school after term 1 of year 12. My stress and anxiety had become too overwhelming to continue the same path, please read Suffering through High School with Anxiety and Depression. Upon leaving school, I struggled with the transition over to adulthood and life without the school structure. It wasn’t like I left and instantly figured myself out. On the contrary, I’m still figuring out my life purpose.
For a period after leaving, I battened down the hatches and focused on my health. Unfortunately, my anxiety took time away from me, and I now feel far behind my friends. While they were looking for jobs, partying and learning to drive, I was too occupied with my unruly anxiety. I now feel like I’m the last one at the race and in desperate need to catch up.
A year later, I decided to study a screen and media course at TAFE (Technical and Further Education). I liked creating and editing videos, as well as using photoshop and illustrator. However, I wasn’t definite about the career path that this course could take me. Nevertheless, I wanted to keep my options open by studying various subjects to find my passion.
Though, after completing the course, I vowed never to return to another educational institute again. Moving forward, I stayed with my family on our hobby farm and continued to raise calves while looking for work, to no success. Many employers for retail, hospitality etc., were only looking for those who already had experience. However, the only way to gain experience is to receive experience. No one enters the working world already knowing everything. Someone needs to allow you to rise to the occasion.
Anyway, living rural made my options for work limited, and I still didn’t have a drivers license. At the beginning of last year, job vacancies were still scarce. I wanted to get my foot in the door. So, I decided to create a residential cleaning business with my mother.
At the same time, I applied for a short, online interior design course at TAFE. I realized that if I wanted to advance myself, I needed further education. While I was still uncertain of my passion, the class did enlighten and challenge me. The lecturer imparted a great deal of knowledge and opened my mind to wedding styling. Upon further investigation, I was guided towards event management, which satisfied my interests in planning and decorating. Although I have finally found a course that I enjoy studying, I am still uncertain of the career path this will take me.
As wonderful as South Australia is, it just doesn’t feel like home to me. It doesn’t feel like a place I am meant to be. On top of that, living on acreage is difficult. The grass remains short throughout autumn and winter, only sprouting in spring before turning brown and dry during the intense heat. We then must prepare for the risk of fire. It also becomes financially straining, having to buy in food for the livestock.
Most people who visit us are entranced with the prospect of living on acreage and are always amused by our stories. But, after a while, the picturesque settings and excitement become less sparkly and glamourous when you’re living in it. Unless an animal is sick or birthing, each day is kind of like the day before. You follow your routine and get your jobs done.
I worry that there’s not enough excitement and wonder in the world. Sometimes, it seems like life is already laid out. You go to school. You go to work, get married, have kids, and retire.
Just because you have a good life doesn’t mean that you won’t get restless or unhappy. Even though I deeply love my family and animals, I enjoy studying, and I’m grateful, comfortable, and loved. Nevertheless, I desire a shift from the mundane dribble and wish to open new, positive doors.
I want a life that’s not constantly bound and dictated by money. I want to find a job that is fulfilling and benefits others. I want to go to work not just for the money but because I enjoy my occupation. But most importantly, I want to live my life filled with possibilities, love, and excitement. Like Charlie from Monster in Law, “life’s too short to live the same day twice”.
Shouldn’t life be more than school and work? You only live once, so you should live it the best you can.
3 thoughts on “Desiring Change”
Hi Jasmine, thanks for sharing. I have that same feeling of wanting more from life. Yet, I think of the practicalities of living and wonder whether I should focus on that rather than dreaming. Having anxiety and feeling lacking must be really difficult. It’s great your thinking about things and trying courses and I hope you get closer to your goals.
Compared to you, I haven’t really tried any education or courses for some time. Perhaps, it’s something to think of.
Would it be ok to re-post to share your piece, with a link and credit, on my blog?
Hi Samuel, hope you are doing well. That’s absolutely fine, go ahead and re-post. I’m so glad that you enjoyed my blog. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one feeling like this. We shall keep soldiering on.
Thanks, Jasmine. Yes, it’s definitely encouraging and comforting to read others facing similar challenges.