Recounts of Anxiety

Jasmine’s Story

Before receiving mental help, I lived a life filled with torturous anxiety. I don’t remember when I signed up but in the blink of an eye. I became a first-class member of the deranged society. As such, I had V.I.P access to the best parties. The themes were incessant worrying, intrusive thoughts, and overwhelming fear. My control was pulled out beneath me, and I became a prisoner of my own mind.

I felt drained of life. Living felt like an arduous chore. My mind felt crowded from the party that was ragging out of control. I felt like a raving lunatic unable to have any rational thoughts.

I stressed days in advance having to leave the house. I felt socially awkward and self-conscious when out in public. I dreaded having to have conversations with others. Scared of saying something stupid and embarrassing. I wanted to be a hermit and hide from the world. I thought the worst about every situation. My worst nightmare was having a panic attack in public.

 I felt stumpy and not well put together. My mind raced with intrusive thoughts that I wasn’t good enough. I felt dumb talking to others. I was sure that people were giving me strange looks when I spoke. My hands would shake anytime I had to write in front of others. I felt anxious about my own anxiety. I was terrified of my own actions and what others would think of me. 

I constantly doubted myself, my mental health and my worth. I felt unimportant and useless. That I wouldn’t be good at anything. When I looked at myself in the mirror, all I could see were my flaws. I felt scared that I wasn’t beautiful inside or out. 

I feared others would judge me, laugh at me, or verbally abuse me. There was no respite from the darkness. I suffered from insomnia and spent my nights thinking about every little detail about the day, every stupid thing I said, every embarrassing moment.

I wanted to stop looking at my mind as something that needed to be fixed. I tried to tell myself that my life wouldn’t turn into chaos because I stopped worrying. But I didn’t know how to move beyond my fears and sadness. I didn’t know how to make it better.

Brianna’s Story

I developed anxiety from a young age. I watched my mum and sister battle the long-term effects of the disease, and I internalized it myself. I thought it was my fault my mum and sister had anxiety. Unfortunately, moving into high school only exasperated my problem.

I could only think negatively of myself. I felt like the biggest idiot in class. I’d ask myself, ‘how do I expect to get anywhere in life when I’m so stupid?’. I was crushed every time I put effort into my assignments, only to receive a lower grade than what I hoped for. Which only validated my fear of never being good enough.

My anxiety felt like a balloon ready to pop, and once my balloon broke, it released a monster-filled with fear, jealousy, and sadness.

I was horrendously self-conscious. I was constantly thinking that everyone was secretly talking and gossiping about me. I felt like I was 7ft tall, and all eyes were on me. I was so scared of being judged and humiliated that it would send me into a panic attack. I hated feeling so vulnerable and powerless.

Because of these intrusive thoughts, I felt that I had to go out of my way to be better, funnier, prettier, and more likeable. I needed to be perfect so that no one could say anything hurtful about me.

But despite my best efforts to be accepted. I’d walk away feeling like a fool, which only increased my anxiety. It was like I was trapped in another person’s body, trying to make sense of everything around me. I never felt like myself. I didn’t really know who I was, but I had this image of who I wanted to be.

I felt socially insecure, and it affected how I viewed myself and my body. I wanted to have a clean slate, have a new perfect body. So, I focused on changing everything I felt was bad about me. I felt lost, and I was desperately trying to find myself.

Tanya’s Story

My anxiety was a monster, like a separate entity that had taken over my body. It was like there was an escaped freight train racing down the tracks, on a collision course with a road train, and me chained in the middle, unable to move. I felt so powerless and fearful of life.

I was a prisoner in my own body. My panic attacks felt like I was shocked by 240 volts of electricity. I thought I was going to die. I developed severe insomnia. Intrusive thoughts ran wild in my mind. I dreaded leaving the house as I feared what my anxiety would do. But somehow, I still managed to put on a face and fight through the agony. Although I hated myself, I felt that I was failing my family because I couldn’t keep up with the daily tasks. At times, I thought that they would be better off without me.

I felt sick all the time. I couldn’t distinguish between a physical illness and the symptoms of anxiety. My anxiety became so high that it stopped me from enjoying coffee, watching action movies, or enjoying time with family and friends.

I hated what my body was doing to me. I lost all control. I was trying to live, but my body was letting me down.

Written by Jasmine

Previous blogs relating to mental health

Living with PTSD

Farm life and Mental Health

Intrusive Thoughts

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